Английский юмор на уроках, неделях аглийского, общешкольных мероприятиях

 Первые материалы я позаимствовал на сайте  http://homeenglish.ru/. Но шутки, анекдоты и приколы никто не отменил, что где услышу или прочту, я теперь помещаю сюда.

   Наверное стоит остановиться на общешкольных мероприятиях подробнее.

Любой анекдот или шутку можно разыграть по-ролям. Главное сделать представление интересным для незнающих английский. Для этого служит переводчик. Обычно из слабых учеников. Для старших классов допустимо сделать ему "дисплей на жидких кристаллах" - три пустых водочных бутылки завода "Кристалл", но это на любителя.

 

 

   Английский юмор поможет вам овладеть самым серьезным английским языком. Выражение "чисто английский юмор" широко распространено. Реже встречается понимание того, что для англичанина юмор в обыденной речи, и часто при самых неюмористических обстоятельствах, заменяет то, чему у других народов служат гневные слова и брюзгливые, возмущенные, огорченные интонации.

Несомненно, именно поэтому у англичан так много великих юмористов, сатириков, острословов.

Знаменитый "кукольник" Сергей Владимирович Образцов в одном из своих публичных выступлений рассказал о таком случае, произошедшем в одной из его поездок по Англии. Носильщик, сажая его в железнодорожный вагон, нечаянно уронил большой чемодан с куклами.

"Простите, сэр!" - ужаснулся он. "Не беспокойтесь! - улыбнулся артист. - Но подумайте, что было бы, если бы там был хрусталь!" "О, тогда, сэр, - сказал успокоенный носильщик, - тогда вам пришлось бы сказать: чего бы там не б ы л о, потому что от хрусталя ничего не осталось бы".

Приходишь к выводу, что каждому человеку, кто хочет всерьез овладеть английским языком, надо хорошо приглядеться, прислушаться, даже принюхаться к тому, как англичане острят и шутят.

Вам предлагается прочесть серию английских анекдотов. Сразу же вслед за каждым коротеньким английским рассказиком вы прочтете его точный перевод на русский язык. (если вы прикрыв авторский перевод, попробуете сделать сначала свой вариант перевода, а затем уже посмотрите, как с этим текстом поступил автор, то вы заслужите всяческих похвал).

Трудность заключается в том, что английский вариант авторских комментариев перемешан и перетасован. В вашу задачу входит разыскать искомую фразу и сравнить ее с собственным переводом.


 

 Sir! How dare you?

- Here, hold my horse a minute, will you?
- Sir, I am a member of the Congress.
- Never mind! You look honest. I'll take a chance.

Сэр! Как вы смеете?

- Послушайте, прошу, подержите мою лошадь.
- Сэр! Я - член конгресса!
- Неважно! У
вас вид честного человека. Рискну.


 

 

 

 What a pity!

John Himbledon had just got a set of new teeth and went away for a holiday. His wife knowing how easily a set of teeth can be lost if you are bathing in a rough sea, wrote to him saying: "Take care not to wear your new teeth when you are bathing in the sea".

He wrote back: "Why didn't you telegraph?"

Как жаль!

Получив только что новую челюсть, Джон Химблдон отправился в отпуск. Его жена, зная, что, купаясь в бурном море, легко потерять искусственную челюсть, написала ему: "Смотри, не надевай свои новые зубы, купаясь в море".

Он ответил: "Почему ты не телеграфировала?"

Как видно, поездка на морской курорт оказалась не очень удачной. Вероятно, после вторичных хлопот с челюстью Джон предпочтет проводить свой отпуск в горах.


 

 

 

 An Englishman in Paris

- Sir! Did you have a good holiday? Did you go away?
- Yes, I went to France, to Paris.
- Did you have much trouble with your French when you were there?
- No, I didn't - but the Parisians did.

Англичанин в Париже

- Сэр, вы хорошо провели отпуск? Уезжали куда-нибудь?
- Да, был во Франции, в Париже.
- А вам не трудно было там с вашим знанием французского языка?
- Мне - нет, а парижанам - да.


 

 

 

 Take it easy.

- Is it really true that everything between Rosalie and you, Michael, is over? A whole year you were keeping company.
- Just imagine!
- And did you tell her about your rich uncle whose only heir you are.
- It was just because I told her about it. She left me to become my auntie.

Не принимай этого близко к сердцу

- Неужели Розалия порвала с тобой, Майкл? Ведь вы целый год были неразлучны.
- Да, представь себе!
- А ты рассказал ей про своего богатого дядюшку, у которого ты единственный наследник?
- Вот именно что рассказал. Она бросила меня, чтобы стать моей тетушкой.


 

 

 

 How to compose a symphony

One day an unknown youth asked Mozart to explain to him how to start to compose a symphony.

- You are young, - answered Mozart. In the beginning write a ballade, and if you like it, come to me.
- But you! At the age of ten you have composed a lot of music.
- But I did not ask anybody how to do it.

Как сочинить симфонию.

К Моцарту как-то обратился незнакомый юноша и попросил объяснить ему, как приступить к сочинению симфонии.

- Вы еще молоды, - ответил Моцарт, - напишите сначала балладу; если останетесь довольны ею, приходите ко мне.
- А Вы? Вы уже в десять лет сочинили уйму музыки!
- Но я ни у кого не спрашивал совета, как это делать.


 

 

 

 Cheering

Mother (in a low tone): Tommy, your grandfather is very sick. Can't you say something nice to him to cheer him a bit?
Tommy: Grandfather, wouldn't you like to have soldiers at you funeral

Развеселил

Мать (шепотом): Томми, твой дедушка очень болен. Придумай и скажи ему что-нибудь, чтобы развлечь его.
Томми: Дедушка, хочешь, чтобы целый военный оркестр играл на твоих похоронах?


 

 

 

 He is brave who is afraid of nobody

Joe: I love you. I love you. Won't you be my wife?
Jess: You must see mama first.
Joe: I have seen her several times, but I love you just the same.

Храбр тот, кто никого не боится

Джо: Я люблю Вас. Я люблю Вас. Будьте моей женой! Согласны?
Джесси: Вы должны поговорить сначала с мамой.
Джо: Я ее видел, и несколько раз, но все равно Вас люблю.


 

 

 

  A clever boy.

A kind old gentlemen seeing a small boy who was carrying a lot of newspapers under his arm said:

- Don't all the newspapers make you tired, my boy?
- No, I don't read them, - replied the boy.

Толковый мальчик

Добродушный пожилой джентльмен, видя, что маленький мальчик тащит под мышкой большую кипу газет, спрашивает его:

- Ты, бедняжка, верно, устаешь от всех этих газет?
- Да нет, ведь я их не читаю, - ответил мальчик.


 

 

 How to hammer in a nail

 - When I use a hammer I always hit my thumb with it. What should I do to prevent it?
- The only thing that I can think of, madam, is that you should hold the hammer with both hands.

Как вбить гвоздь

- Когда я пользуюсь молотком, всегда бью себя по пальцу. Как избежать этого?
- Единственное, что я могу посоветовать вам, мадам, это держать молоток двумя руками.


 

 

 

 Quicker than he expected

- Is that Nora? - asked Willy.
- Yes, Nora is speaking, - answered the girl.
- Marry me, Nora, and marry quick.
- Yes, I will, - was the reply, - but who is speaking?

Быстрее, чем он ожидал

- Это Нора? - спрашивает Вилли.
- Да, это говорит Нора, - отвечает девушка.
- Выходите за меня замуж, Нора, и как можно скорее.
- Хорошо, я согласна, - послышался ответ, - но кто это говорит?


 

 

 

 

"Perpetuum - beanele"

"What's the matter with you, darling? - Lily asked her husband. Monday you liked beans, Tuesday you liked beans, Wednesday you liked beans, Thursday all of a sudden you don't like beans".

"Перпетум-бобиле"

"Что с тобой случилось, дорогой мой? - спрашивает Лили мужа. - В понедельник ты ел бобы с удовольствием, во вторник и среду - тоже, а вдруг в четверг ты бобов не хочешь".


 

 

 

 A good piece of advice

A blushing young man is choosing an engagement ring. He decides on one and says to the jeweler: "I want you to engrave inside this one "From George to Dora".

The jeweler said: "If you take my advice, sir, you will just have "From George".

Хороший совет

Порозовевший от смущения молодой человек выбирает обручальное кольцо. Остановившись на одном из них, он говорит ювелиру: "Я хотел бы, чтобы вы выгравировали внутри этого кольца "От Джоржа Доре". Ювелир ответил: "Послушайтесь моего совета, сэр, и напишите просто "От Джоржа".

 

C сайта  http://homeenglish.ru/


 

 

 

Новые поступления из разных источников:

 

 Never Lie To Your Mother

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only 
made her more curious. 
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be 
thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." 
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" 
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." 
So he sat down and wrote: 


"Dear Mother, 
I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." 
 
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: 

 

"Dear Son, 
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. 
Love, 
Mom 


 

 

  

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in eats weigh
My chequer tolled me sew

 I have a spelling checker
It came with my PC
It plainly marks for my review
Mistakes I cannot see

I strike a key and type a word
And wait for it to say
Whether I am wrong or right
It shows me straight away

As soon as a mistake is made
It knows before too long
And I can put the error right
It's rarely ever wrong

I have run this poem throught it
I am sure you're pleased to know
It's letter perfect in its way
My checker told me so


Source unknown


 

 

 • If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,

And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,

And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,

Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,

Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,

But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,

That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,

So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,

Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,

'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

 

• When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,

And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,

Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to ram your rom.

Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!


 

 

   CHINESE

 Apparently, one in five people in the world is Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be that one of us is Chinese. It's my mom or my dad, my older brother Colin, me or my youngest brother Chong-Li. I think it's Colin.


 

  Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.


 

 

   Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.


 

 

   Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. (George Bernard Shaw)


 

 

 

 About whales

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."


 

 

 Look! He's moving!

 Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look!
He's moving!"


  FUN WITH ENGLISH

 

 IF you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely language is only for the brave of heart. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers.

Examples of why the English language is so hard to learn:

I) The bandage was wound around the wound,

2) The farm was used to produce pro­duce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6)  The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7)  Since there is no time like the pres­ent, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

II) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections, my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.

20)  I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invent­ed in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, arc meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea, nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not just one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you have then? Is it an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what lan­guage do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy be opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not: computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

Contributed by James Sims,

Atlanta, USA


Подлинная история английского языка


In the beginning there was an island off the coast of Europe. It had no name, for the natives had no language, only a collection of grunts and gestures that roughly translated to "Hey!" "Gimme!" and "Pardon me, but would you happen to have any woad?"

Then the Romans invaded it and called it Britain, because the natives were "blue, nasty, br(u-i)tish and short." This was the start of the importance of u (and its mispronounciation) to the language. After building some roads, killing off some of the nasty little blue people and walling up the rest, the Romans left, taking the language instruction manual with them.

The British were bored so they invited the barbarians to come over (under Hengist) and "Horsa" 'round a bit. The Angles, Saxons, and Jutes brought slightly more refined vocal noises.

Читать все


 

 

 

 Яндекс.Погода Яндекс.Погода                  

 Поисковик Гугл настроен на поиск в основном материалов, связанных с изучением английского языка. Тем не менее ищет все, что Вам может понадобится гораздо лучше, чем другие поисковые машины. Я люблю Гугл. Надеюсь, Вам он тоже понравится. Не удивляйтесь, результат поиска высветится на карте этого сайта, может и там окажется что-либо полезное.  

    sherlok holms   

Пользовательского поиска
             

 

 


 

 

  ©Ястребов В.И.  avdeevkavlad@rambler.ru 22.04.08г.-10.06.09г.